Nature vs Nurture has been a long standing debate – in the development of a human being’s personality, what is more dominant? Nature or Nurture? My work in coaching adults has shown me how nature can be moulded via nurturing to produce resourceful behavioural traits.
Nature acts as a filter through which a child interprets and gives meaning to events around them. Nurturing helps the child tweak these filters so the meaning they give to each event is resourceful.
This is where our role as a parent becomes important – to understand our child’s nature and then guide them through our nurturing to become strong and resourceful adults. In my experience as a people manager and executive coach, people are not “Born Leaders” – Leaders are cultivated by supportive carers. As a starting point, let’s understand the characteristics of a Leader.
According to the dictionary,
Leader (noun) – a person who rules, guides, or inspires others; one who has influence or power.
A Leader is someone who is in harmony with themselves. They understand their weaknesses as well as their strengths.
They work independently. They do not require external validation, because they are aware of their strengths. Instead of wasting their energy wondering about what others think, they channel their energy into improving situations / resolving problems / creating
A Leader is the “GO TO” person. This is the person others get inspiration from. This is the person who sets the pace and leads the way. To be able to do that a Leader needs to know where they themselves are headed. They need to be confident in their choices and actions.
In other words, to become a good leader, a person needs some basic characteristics:
- Self-Awareness
- Problem solving and creativity
- Confidence
Other known traits of leadership follow once the above basics are there.
Now let’s translate it to the parenting world. How can we gift our children with these basic characteristics?
Self-Awareness
1. Analyse – Don’t blame
As parents, we have tendency of “I told you so”, when the child gets into trouble. Instead of turning a bad situation into a blame game, approach the situation matter-of-factly. Analyse what went wrong and together with your child discuss how you would approach it differently next time. This will teach your child how to turn mistakes into life’s lessons and move forward.
2. Lead your child to accept their strengths as well as their shortcomings.
As parents often we feel our role is to make our child the “best”. We are proud of their strengths (when) in public and dedicated to removing their weaknesses (when) in private. Our maximum effort goes towards improving our child. Just as it is important for the child to overcome their weaknesses, equally important is for them to accept their strengths. Teach them to be proud of who they are and be aware of what they are great at.
3. Guide your child towards their strengths rather than away from their weaknesses
Shift the focus from “improving” to “enhancing”. Focus on what your child is good at. For example, your child may not be good at maths; however, they may be good at playing computer games. Instead of banning them from playing games so they spend time studying, perhaps you can teach them maths with the help of a computer game. In this case, you have shifted focus from “improving” maths to “enhancing” their love for gaming. Net result – better maths!
Reframing is a technique that can be used to shift focus from negative to positive.
Problem Solving and Creativity
Allow your child freedom of thought. Allow them to make their own mistakes and then encourage them to find their own solutions. As a parent our role is to provide them direction, not solve everything for them. Allowing them to make mistakes helps them learn for experience – an experience that will last a life-time. Encouraging them to find their own solutions teaches them how to survive in adverse circumstances. They learn to think outside the box – a lesson they can use in every situation in their adult life.
One word of caution, while it is important to let children make mistakes, so they can learn from them, parental guidance cannot be over emphasised. As parents it is our role to set direction for our children and ensure that the mistakes are not beyond acceptable social boundaries and laws.
Confidence
Being self-aware means your child believes in their own strengths. As adults they will lead the charge because they know their own capability – there is no doubt in their minds. This gives them self-confidence. Confidence allows them to explore further opportunities. Having learnt problem solving as a child, they know how to turn challenges into opportunities. They also know how to turn opportunities into reality.
Ensuring these basics are instilled in your child will lead them to qualities attributed to Leaders.
I look forward to hearing about your experiences and successes as a parent.